One of the most useful techniques I learned while training to be a psychologist was to avoid starting questions with “why” when addressing my patients. You ask, “Why why?” It is a great, easy way to start off a question or conversation, and it is very direct. It just rolls off the tongue. Why, oh why, would we want to scrap such an efficient, useful, and reasonable word?
I guess this is why the technique has been so useful. The reason “why” should be avoided when you are trying to explore a topic in conversation is because the word has a way of making people feel they have to explain their motivation for doing something. It can sound accusatory and implies fault when we ask it of others.
A therapist might ask a patient, “Why didn’t that happen the way you wanted?” Although the therapist might have been completely open-minded and genuinely curious when asking, the patient on the receiving end runs the risk of feeling like a justification needs to be made, thus putting the patient in a defensive stance.
I think this is an important point for Procrastinators to grasp, because we are often times in the position of asking ourselves the “why” questions:
- “Why didn’t I do that on time?”
- “Why don’t I know that?”
- “Why I am so stupid?”
- “Why can’t I fix this problem when it happens so often?”
Or, as Procrastinators, we have been the target of “why” questions such as:
- “Why don’t you just commit to the project and get it done?”
- “Why don’t you just pick a corner and start decluttering there?”
- “Why are you making it so difficult for yourself?”
- “Why are you still complaining?”
When I’m the object of some of these “why” questions, I know I end up feeling a bit cornered. I also feel worse than when I started.
In case you’ve become overly dependent on the use of “why” in your dialogue with yourself and in conversations with others, there are many, many other ways of starting off a good, meaningful discussion. For example:
- “What makes the situation difficult for you?”
- “How did you get to this point?”
- “Are there ways that you can think of to change the current situation?”
- “That’s interesting. Tell me more.”
- “Where do you feel things went awry?”
- “What do you feel like when these events happen?”
- “How do you wish you might have reacted differently?”
- “What do you want to happen next?”
There you have it — one of the great secrets of WHY therapists can help you feel more open to talking. They don’t ask “why.”
If you want to pin a person down in conversation, definitely start off with the word “why.” I have a feeling it’s a favorite word of litigators and investigators. Just be careful when you are using “why” to address anyone who might feel vulnerable, who might be worried, who might feel guilty, or your friendly neighborhood Procrastinator of course.
See where this great technique can get you. Observe how often you accuse yourself of “Why didn’t I ____________?” Start using different styles of considering your dilemmas and take yourself out of the hot seat you’re always sitting in.
Do you have any communication tips that have helped you communicate more effectively? Please share them in a reply to me. I’d love to hear about them. For more tips on getting by, please follow me on Twitter@ChristineLiPhD.
