We may waste a lot of time in our lives pretending to be people we are not.
We may pretend to be:
- compliant
- silent
- a go-getter
- solid
- confident
- perfect
- agreeable
- a do-er
This game of pretend may have started many years back, early in your childhood even, when you needed to be these “pretend” parts of yourself in order to appease someone, to keep someone else happy, to keep your own sense of yourself intact. This may have worked beautifully in your earlier days, but you find in your adult life, things aren’t going as smoothly as you would like. This may be because the energy you use to maintain the “pretend” self saps the natural store of energy you have to be yourself. Without full use of that natural energy, we find ourselves feeling spent instead of satisfied.
When we don’t act in ways that are in line with who we really are, we end up feeling:
- resentful
- angry
- exhausted
- confused
- burdened
Even though these feelings are not our favorite choices for ourselves, we may choose to play along with this “pretend” game, because we have for so long. Because we have been praised for being this way. Because we are afraid of changing from the ways we know.
At a certain point, however, the balance of being okay with the “pretend” self and the desire to be free of it changes. This change can happen because of any number of things and events, including starting a new academic program or job, starting a new relationship, or just plain getting older. At this juncture, it is a good idea to start psychotherapy or to make sure you have someone to support your change. Invariably, people feel anxious about separating from their “old” selves. It is important to know there are people around you who will be encouraging as you grow. It is also important to know you will feel better when you stop pretending. This doesn’t mean that life will now be clear. That’s because life is always a bit confusing. When you stop living through old ideas of yourself, there will be benefits. You will have:
- more energy to deal with things
- more clarity to make better choices for yourself
- more peace because your actions will be in line with your thoughts and feelings
- more time because you won’t be wasting it anymore
This is not an easy process, this self-discovery. I support your desire to get moving on the process as soon as you are ready. You already have a sense of who you are. You already know in which direction you are supposed to head. Best wishes getting there.
Do you have any questions about this post? If so, please feel free to let me know by posting a reply here.
