Many times in my life, I have been nervous or afraid.  Many times, these moments have been when I have been unsure of where I stand in a relationship.  For instance:

• I have been afraid to call a psychiatrist, because well, that would mean I would need to say something important
• I have been worried about expressing a dissenting opinion, because well, that would just cause bad feelings
• I have been ambivalent about complaining to others, because well, that would make me look like I was lazy or didn’t care
• I have been reluctant to put a request in, because well, that would mean someone else would have to do something on my behalf
• I have gone along with something I didn’t really need or want, because well, there was a part of me that said I owed the other person my cooperation

Writing this list makes me realize just how often I go through this bad feeling cycle about connecting with other people.  And I’m hoping when you read the list, you'll realize how much of a time waster worrying about our interactions with people is.  Every time we steer ourselves in the wrong direction, we’ve set ourselves behind time-wise too.

The good news is, I have figured out a way to make mincemeat out of this list: Consider yourself an equal.

This technique is can be a bit of a mind-bender.  That is because most of us are so used to feeling less than other people, whether in the “hierarchy” of life or through our own perceptions of where we stand.  When you assume your opinion matters just because it is your opinion and because you are a reasonable person, the way you express that feeling will be stronger than if you assumed otherwise.  Imagine yourself on a par with the person you are about to call.  Just that envisioning will make the call go that much easier.

There have been times when I have called people and I have considered myself an equal, but they (clearly) did not.  What I have learned from that small subset of experiences is that other people may have trouble considering me an equal.  And – you guessed it – that is their problem.  After the initial sting of being treated as someone who wasn’t smart or knowledgeable wears off, I work to find balance again about how I feel about myself.  Almost 100% of the time, after some time, I get confirming evidence that the nasty, uncomfortable feeling I got in the interaction was part of their problem.  I think that makes sense, as I was treating them as an equal when I called and therefore was very careful not to be nasty.

So, the next time you find yourself saying, “I’ll figure this out myself,” or “I’ll figure it out later,” please remember you can choose another option.  You can choose to move forward with your call or request or statement and consider yourself an equal.  And then the great payoff is you will also consider yourself done with your task.  No change that — the great payoff is you will be giving yourself the right feedback about how good you are.

I’m really curious to hear your stories about struggling to feel like an equal with others.  Please feel free to share your thoughts and stories here.