So often making a change involves changing our old equations. By equations I mean the stories we tell ourselves about how we are supposed to do things. For instance, if I am going to feel important, I must be involved in as many activities as I can possibly get involved in. That is an equation. If I want x, then I must do y.
The problem with the equation method of doing things or of making ourselves feel better is that over time, we get overly attached to our original equations. As you can imagine, spending twenty years trying to feel important by being involved in as many activities as one can possibly get involved in, ends up landing the well-meaning person in a very complicated, hyper-busy lifestyle. And the equation method itself is limiting. Change cannot happen fluidly if we are constantly referring back to and relying on these types of “if x, then y”-type rules.
Here are some more examples of how rule-bound thinking may be affecting you:
- if you feel you cannot function well socially unless you are dressed to a “T”
- if you believe you have to be open and available if others need you
- if you feel you won’t be valued by others if you don’t perform well
- if you prevent yourself from interacting with others when you think they hold an opinion about you
- if you are Procrastinating because you are unable to get around your particular “if x, then y” problem, e.g. “I can only begin this if I am in the right frame of mind, and since I am not in the right frame of mind, this can’t get done.” Ouch.
The really cool thing about equations is that you can change them. That is essentially one of the basic premises of psychotherapy. You learn in therapy your old patterns of doing things, as good and reliable as they used to be, don’t need to be the only songs in your repertoire. But getting into therapy is just one way of accessing change. You could also begin analyzing your own patterns:
- Where do you tend to get stymied?
- What holds you back every time?
- What qualities in other people make you lose confidence in yourself?
- What ideas about yourself always leave you feeling less than good?
Being aware of these sticking points is the first step in broadening your awareness of what is keeping you stuck and unhappy. Awareness is a key factor in enabling change and in fighting Procrastination. Try not to get overwhelmed by what you unearth when you try to figure out what your own equations are. We all have multiple equations running at the same time. We need them to function at the most basic level. Use what you discover to ease your mind and to understand that change is within your reach, your capacity, and your design.
